Sunday, April 16, 2006

An Easter Hymn

"Holy Shit," said grandma Dean for the third time in her life.
And while it wasn't Hallelujah, it may as well have been,
because this morning, for the first time in seven years,
the stones on the driveway are crunching under the weight
of grandpa Dean's white Ford pick-up.

And while she's heard these sounds before,
this morning there actually is a white Ford pick-up in her driveway.
And its windows are down.
And grandpa Dean is driving.
And sweating.
And singing along with Hank Williams on the radio.


"Wake up sleeping beauties and brush away that dirt from your eyes,
it's making you look old."


When we say
"we believe in the resurrection of the dead,"
do we mean
"we believe in eternal soul parties"
or, do we mean
"that body is getting up on out of the ground."

Because these mean very different things.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Afghans selling US army 'files'

According to this lame report from the BBC ( I don't know how to link) about a report from the LA times (what?):

"Shopkeepers at a market next to Bagram base, outside Kabul, have been selling memory drives stolen from the facility, the Los Angeles Times newspaper says...The Los Angeles Times report said disks on sale at the market outside Bagram contained the names of allegedly corrupt Afghan officials, reports on enemy targets and details about US defences...A separate report by the Associated Press news agency appeared to confirm sensitive information could be acquired from the market."

I've been there, man! That's an hour from my first village. I've eaten kabob there and drank mirinda and ridden there with three people on a small motorcycle that we broke eventually but it only cost $1 to repair (one dollar! It was like some kind of major thing, too) I've probably browsed through this shop. And dude they are not just selling stolen memory drives! they are selling stolen cd players, stolen mp3 players, stolen computers, stolen shirts, stolen shoes, stolen camos, stolen hats, stolen power bars, stolen really old gatorades, and stolen really old crackers! It's a shopping bonanza! You can get one of those memory drives at 256 mb for about 8 or 9 bucks if you are good. Just ask me, I bought one!

Now as for this stupid report that this is happening (sooo late). Come on, Bin laden is not browsing these shops to see if he can score sweet info on American soldiers. The one I bought had pics of this guy hanging out with his friends. While I am sure that it is possible that something "sensitive" could turn up (although why would it be on a memory drive?), This is not why these things are for sale. As should be stressed by the story (although thus negating the stories need to exist), People are not after these things for the "sensitve data" or "a manual for flying the US military's Chinook helicopter." (Although those things are dumb and loud, so if i could...)

"A shopkeeper interviewed by the Associated Press news agency said he was not interested in the worth of the information on the memory drives. He reportedly said he was selling the items for their value as hardware alone. 'They were all stolen from offices inside the base by the Afghans working there,' he told the agency. 'I get them all the time.'"

For those of you following along in romanized dari that's: "Ar wakht migirum."

These shopkeepers and whoever, don't care at all about this, they are just trying to make some money and a sweet way to do that is to sell stolen merch. And people are buying it because they want cheap electronics and camo shirts and I guess old crackers. What a dumb fake scare mongering story. I mean what would some one even do if they got ahold of like say, some information about soldier training techniques (in english, I might add)? That's right, nothing. Or I guess they could break through all the insane security surrounding the base, jump the wall and sabotage the training, by what? watching? yelling loudly? shooting a russian rifle from the 70's? Duh. I guess i could sabotage that guy's pictures i got by photoshoping in boobs and a hat and starting a blog telling everyone his name was Mr. Boobies Hat (remember that jonny?)

"Hundreds of Afghans are said to be working as cleaners, labourers and auxiliary staff at the Bagram base."

What do you mean "said to be?" Like no one knows? You couldn't find out?

Well, whatever. I have to go back to sabotaging the US army with my stolen 'files.'

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Scan in the end times, Pt. 2

While most of you may have already discoverd this horrific/beautiful/scary yet fun tool, I have just now downloaded google earth ( and have been spending time doing really important searches. a few of the results, thus far:

Bar Harbor, Maine = Pretty good shots, although couldn't find the chemical lab that i stole the plans from.

Farmland, Indiana = Erica Anderson's Hometown, able to find not only where her dad's house use to be, but where her grandpa's shop is, and even her hairdresser's red car (from space!)

Taj Mahal = Really out of focus, ecspecially compared to erics's hometown. I guess space thinks it sucks.

My House = Not bad, although a little obscured by trees, too close zooming proves to be only blurry

Jake's House = The above picture. come nicely into focus at a pretty close range. From space!

Granshakh, Afghanistan = While many obscure things in afghanistan appear, this one mysteriously doesn't even exist. Could it be the nearby U.S airforce base at Bagram? Hmm...

Grand Canyon = I suppose i should have a guessed it would look lame from space, but boy, i didn't know how lame something could look till i saw the grand canyon. The Worst!

Anyway, If you haven't downloaded it yet, you should do it, search for your house or something, and then realize that if this kind of stuff is available to regular citizens, what kind of scary crap does the government have?

Monday, April 10, 2006

Tommy can you hear me!?!

So I know I haven't posted for a long time, but I would just like to say that I miss hearing from my fellow MWMers that have also gone into hiding. Like the Caley's, Leah, Baker, etc.

Where are you my dear friends? I miss the sweet sound of your imaginary voices in my head as I read your posts .

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Illinois Take 2

Great news!

It seems Sufjan Stevens loves my current home state enough to devote TWO whole albums to it. He refers to the beloved state album as "the album that keeps on giving"; indeed. Amidst Pitchfork's recovering from their blunder of reporting of a new baby coming down the pipe for Mr Stevens, they have (this time, correctly) announced that he will indeed birth a new album entitled "The Avalanche." Songs subjects include Pittsfield (a place I have eaten breakfast after an early morning hunting excursion with my old roommate Jacob), several remixes of Chicago, and many many more--21 tracks in all!!!

On a related note, my wife, Jake S., and I will be embarking this summer on what we are tentatively calling "lunch and Illinoise" mini roadtrips to see the sights referred to by the sounds. So expect some blogging from those adventures.

We can expect these sweet sounds July 21.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


So, I'm sure all of you, suffering from serious insomnia because your roommate is out of town, were up watching the 3amish ABC world news coverage. Perhaps you also somehow missed what they kept teasing: a story about science explaining one of Jesus' greatest miracles. Well, waking up this morning and realizing I stayed up watching this whole damn broadcast without seeing the story, I did some research and here is the article, and may I simply say, THE AGE OF SCIENCE NEVER ENDS! Three cheers for science! Jim Loney will no doubt win a Pulitzer for this:

MIAMI (Reuters) - The New Testament says that Jesus walked on water, but a Florida university professor believes there could be a less miraculous explanation -- he walked on a floating piece of ice.

Please read that again before moving on. ICE! OF COURSE! WHAT A TRICKSTER JESUS WAS! Here's the "science" to back up this thesis:

Nof, a professor of oceanography at Florida State University, said on Tuesday that his study found an unusual combination of water and atmospheric conditions in what is now northern Israel could have led to ice formation on the Sea of Galilee.

Nof used records of the Mediterranean Sea's surface temperatures and statistical models to examine the dynamics of the Sea of Galilee, which Israelis know now as Lake Kinneret.

The study found that a period of cooler temperatures in the area between 1,500 and 2,600 years ago could have included the decades in which Jesus lived.

A drop in temperature below freezing could have caused ice thick enough to support a human to form on the surface of the freshwater lake near the western shore, Nof said. It might have been nearly impossible for distant observers to see a piece of floating ice surrounded by water.

Might have been indeed! Especially since Jesus came surfing in on a piece of ice in the middle of a huge storm. The disciples are so stupid! They thought Jesus was walking when in reality he was miraculously surfing on a piece of ice during a huge storm and making it look like he was walking. I almost like this new version of the miracle better.

If you ask me if I believe someone walked on water, no, I don't," Nof said. "Maybe somebody walked on the ice, I don't know. I believe that something natural was there that explains it."

"We leave to others the question of whether or not our research explains the biblical account."

Really? Well I'm glad that he can finally rest his mind, now that he knows Jesus walked on ice instead of water. I'm sure he can go to church again. I'm just glad "we leave to others the question of whether or not our research explains the biblical account." I'm also glad that his "research" showed that if it was colder when Jesus was around then there would have been the possibility of ice. I'm also glad that he is so incredibly scientific in his thinking that he thinks there would be ice thick enough to support Jesus but thin enough that 1. the disciples could travel their boat through it and 2. they wouldn't realize Jesus was on ice! I'm glad that since I work on a boat I have just as much if not more credibility than this scientist and if I see someone who I believe is walking on water, I'm probably checking to see if they're standing on anything. But most of all, I'm glad for science and awesome journalists who don't take the easiest way out, that being the way of most biblical scholars who just say the Bible is full of crazy stories that aren't true.

In other Jesus, water, and science news, check out this article about these awesome Jesus Lizards. I never knew.