Sunday, July 08, 2007

And now, time for a self-congratulatory arm gesture!

Aka, high fives for everyone in the Midwest!

That's right, Midwest, you're the greatest of all the Wests! And the Easts, too! A new study from the federal government says that the Midwest leads the Union in volunteerism. I knew it, of course. And you probably did, too. But its nice that Science and the State have made it public and irrefutable (PDF).

The city with the highest rate of volunteerism was Minneapolis, Minnesota, that great Midwestern home of Kevin Garnett (for now) and A Prairie Home Companion. Milwaukee scored a top ten ranking, too. I think the report counted other top ten cities like Omaha, Kansas City and Tulsa as part of the Midwest, but I don't. The Midwest to me is all about the confluence of the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers, and all that lies between them -- that land that used to be know as the Old Northwest Territory. But even minus the Plains States, the Midwest still did pretty well. Cincinnati and Columbus came in nationally at 11 and 12. Indy, Cleveland and Detroit were a bit lower at 28, 30 and 32. Detroit was last among the Midwestern Metropoli (34), yet it still has twice the volunteer rate as #50 Las Vegas. Man, those liberals on the coasts are sooooo dumb and lazy!

(As sort of a side note, if you follow the River Theory of the Midwest, cities like Pittsburgh [#13], Louisville [#16] and St Louis [#18] could be included by default as they lie along the Upper Mississippi and Ohio Rivers and border the Old Northwest, thus adding to the Astounding Volunteer Power [or ASvP -- with a silent "v"] of the Midwest.)

All this goes to show just how crazy awesome the Midwest is. It also explains why there hasn't been a whole lot of action on this blog lately. We're all so daggon' busy building houses and curing disease! Not to mention the reading to the blind children! Those blind kids love us!

So next time you want to write a blog post, don't. Go feed your neighbors and paint a mural about it or something. Remember, every time you bring a smile to the face of a homeless orphan, Jesus has puppies. I swear to God. He loves you that much.

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At 7/09/2007 9:50 AM, Blogger Joey said...

Did you know that Ohio wasn't voted into the Union until 1953? But they retroactively voted it in so it is officially 1803.

At 7/12/2007 3:01 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

I'm partly responsible for the late admittance of Ohio into the Union. It wasn't until I got to college and realized that some Ohioans are pretty decent people that I finally buckled.

At 7/30/2007 11:30 PM, Blogger Joey said...

I'm pretty sure that this is the best theory in the history of mankind.

At 8/19/2007 9:27 PM, Anonymous ─░sim said...

they would be perfect actually.


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